50 FUN THINGS FOR
NON-CHRISTIANS
TO DO IN CHURCH
1. Pull aside an unruly child in a
preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll
go to Hell."
2. A week beforehand, find a member of
ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to
Punish Homosexuals".
3. Put stray dogs in coat closets.
4. Un-tune the piano.
5. Replace the pianist's sheet music
with "Stairway to Heaven".
6. Going through all the hymnals, mark
song 666.
7. Find an empty seat, and ask the
person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"
8. Toss around a giant beach ball before
service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.
9. Ten minutes before it starts, find a
kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher:
"Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"
10. Hide copies of Hustler inside the
pulpit. Point them out.
11. Start a wave.
12. Do cool things with the lighting.
13. When attendance is taken, sign on
fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".
14. Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal
pendant.
15. When the choir sings, roll your eyes
and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"
16. Make up your own words to the songs.
17. Twenty minutes into the service,
look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the
wedding!" Run out quickly.
18. Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the
entire service.
19. If there is a crying baby, go over
and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP
ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"
20. Dress all in black, or in camo.
21. Pierce the body of a tiny animal
with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male,
wear two. Change sets for the evening service.
22. If it is an Easter service, wear a
pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a
floral-print dress instead.
23. At a church dinner, scoop up a
forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.
24. Place blocks of dry ice near the air
ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.
25. Hide near the baptismal pool with a
block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone",
throw it in.
26. Inflate balloons, then send them
off.
27. Mark places in the Bible or hymnal
with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.
28. Turn in the Bible to the Ten
Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at
the bottom of the page.
29. Make the sun reflect off your watch
into the preacher's face.
30. Make calls to 900 numbers on the
phone in the kitchen.
31. During the service, play with
plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These
are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."
32. Discreetly position a number of
bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.
33. Snicker every time the preacher
talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.
34. Dip communion wafers in communion
wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.
35. When they pass around the collection
plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.
36. Turn to your neighbor, whisper:
"This do in remembrance of me," and lick them.
37. Fart, and have a friend shout:
"Hark! An angel has spoken!"
38. Blow bubbles.
39. Fake a possession.
40. Distribute condoms.
41. Speak in tongues.
42. Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
43. Drool in the collection plate.
44. Ask someone what they think about
the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is
no Book of Peleponnesians.
45. After a Catholic service, stand
outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul
II came from Poland, act embarrassed.
46. Show unusual interest in any
reference to the word "Ministry".
47. At a church supper, bring a
casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.
48. Overnight, have the stained-glass
windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related
imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.
49. Write on the bathroom wall:
"The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
50. Spread the word that there'll be a
rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.
Here are the lists, When you get bored:
In the church
At the cinema
At work
In an elevator
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